<< back to TEMPERAMENT topics

Effective parenting

There is no formula or definition of a “good parent.”  There are, however, certain characteristics that will help you establish a better relationship with your child.

• Be flexible. 
• Understand what motivates your child to act certain ways.
• Do not expect your child to be perfect—recognize and accept your child as is.
• Remember what it was like to be a child.
• Respect your child.
• Respect yourself.
• Try to keep a positive attitude at all times.
• Try not to make the same mistake twice.
• Be honest with yourself and your child. 
• Do not be afraid to ask for advice or help.
• Avoid negative labels.  Try not to refer to your child as a picky-eater if she is sensitive to different food types, and try not to call your child hyperactive and aggressive if she has an intense and loud response to things. 
• Do not expect your child to be “bad” if she has an intense or difficult temperament.  Rather, use the understanding of her temperament to help her channel her behavior in a positive manner.

Dealing with a difficult child

Raising a child with a difficult or negative temperament is a challenge for even the most experienced parent.  There are two important things to remember:

1. While a child’s temperament will not change, positive traits can be enhanced and negative traits subdued with time, patience, and understanding.
   
   
2. You are not to blame for your child’s temperament.  Raising a challenging or “spirited” child is extremely difficult.  Remember to take vacations and to take care of yourself so that you can give your child all the energy you can.  Difficult children can also be hard on couples—especially when the need to blame someone or something arises.  Consider seeking counseling if your child’s temperament is tearing you and your partner apart.

Hints for managing your child’s temperament

While raising a child with a difficult temperament can sometimes bring you to your wits end, there are some hints that will help you establish a positive relationship with your child and avoid losing your sanity.

• Recognize what part of your child’s temperament may cause her to act the way he does.  If he has a difficult time interacting with new people, he should not be blamed for being shy around strangers. 

• Accept your child’s temperament as it is, but do not give up helping her to channel her traits into positive arenas. 

• Avoid using negative labels to describe your child.  If your child is highly distractible, try not to label her as “forgetful” or “flighty.”  If your child is acting up, label your child’s behavior as “irresponsible,” but do not label the child as irresponsible.

• Praise your child regularly—even if it is only for something little.  A child with a difficult temperament will often hear only negative criticism from other people, and without praise and positive encouragement, his attitude may continue to become worse.

• Learn to recognize manipulative behavior and difficult behavior due to temperament.  If a child throws a tantrum to manipulate, it will usually end when you stop giving him attention.  If it is a temperamental tantrum, from being rubbed the wrong, emotionally hurt, or from feeling helpless, your child needs to work through it. You will need to act sympathetic and understanding, but not over-bearing.  In time, the tantrum will pass.  While tantrums can be extremely embarrassing in public places, it is important not to criticize your child publicly.  This will only make your child feel worse. While it is sometimes difficult, you must remain in control of your emotions.  Do not begin a power struggle with your child. 
  
  
• Be clear about your expectations and the consequences for not meeting them.  Explain reasons behind rules.
  
  
• Teach your child good manners.  Practice these manners at home.
  
  
• Notice when things are going well.  What is working?  How are you reacting? How is your child feeling?  Make note of these situations so that they can help you in the future.
  
  
• Recognize that your child is unique.  Accept your child and accept yourself as a parent.  What works for another family may not work for you. 

• Your child may need medical help.  While not all children with difficult temperaments have disorders, some do.  These children need to be evaluated by a psychiatrist who can help you tell whether your child has a neurological condition that may benefit from medication.